Why do I bother speaking?

    Posted on: June 22nd, 2017 by Randi No Comments


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    Of course…

    Posted on: June 9th, 2017 by Randi No Comments


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    I Expected This

    Posted on: June 7th, 2017 by Randi No Comments


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    Blood is supposed to be thicker

    Posted on: July 2nd, 2016 by Randi 1 Comment

    When I was growing up, my mom and my aunt “shared custody” of my brother and me. My mom, a single mother, worked a lot and realized babysitters cost a lot. One job was specifically for paying the babysitter. So it became a regular thing that we would go to my aunt’s house. At one point, they were trading off 3-4 nights a week. Around this point, my aunt met her husband (not married until 2008) who had a daughter a year younger than me, Christina. I don’t talk about Christina a lot on here because I don’t see her very often. She is my oldest and best friend and also my cousin by marriage. We spent a lot of time at my aunt’s house and Christina came over a lot to to be with her father, my uncle. We also spent a lot of time with my aunt alone. She was, for all intents and purposes, my second mother. I remember laying on the couch with her cuddling while I watched Are You Afraid of the Dark and she’d buy us the cool snacks. She was surprisingly a bit more strict than my mom but that didn’t matter early on. She was there for everything just like my mom was. My brother and I didn’t know our fathers so with my mom and aunt I never felt like I was missing anything. I did have two parents.

    I remember that things got more difficult as we got older. Her husband seemed to pick on my brother a lot. Christina, I love her to the moon and back, but she was a little bitch. She’ll admit that. She did things that her father would find a way to blame on Patrick or me. When I was 12, my aunt showed up at the door to tell my mom that money was missing from her dresser, where she always laid out her tips after work. She said Christina said I took it or her husband accused me, not sure. I wasn’t a theif. My mom would come home from work, drop her pants in the bathroom and any change that fell out and landed on the floor stayed there. We knew better than to steal. My mom confronted me while my aunt stood there. I told her I didn’t and my mom didn’t believe me. That hurt more than the smack I received when I tried to walk away because there was only so many times I could say “I didn’t do it”. After I went to my room, my mom says that my aunt started to think *maybe* it wasn’t me. Maybe Christina did it. It was Christina. My aunt caught her with her ring a few days later, also on her dresser.

    Her husband had convinced her that I stole from her and even though she knew I wasn’t like that, she took his side and that hurt so much. My mom and she raised me better than that. Our time at my aunts came to a halt fairly quickly. I was hurt that she/he didn’t trust me and he wasn’t very nice to my brother. We just stopped going. She was still very involved in our lives, though. I loved her and I still wanted to be around her. We spent holidays together. She came to graduations. Over time, we spent less and less time together and sided with her husband more and more.

    What’s weird is my mom and her were fairly close through all of this. They fought but they were a team. Somewhere in all of this, there was a massive fight over her husband and my mom and she stopped speaking. She got married in 2008 and we were in her wedding, Patrick and I and Zack and Breya. My mom tried to be there for her but she was met with attitude at every turn. They didn’t speak except when forced to, when she came for birthdays and such.

    I’m going to back up a bit to explain something. I have an uncle. He lived with my aunt while we were going over there. He had the spare bedroom and we barely saw him. Remember we were there half time. We saw him come out for food but other than that, he spent all of his time in his room. He moved out when I was still fairly young. Patrick and I only saw him on holidays and then my aunt’s wedding and then when my grandfather died in 2011. He was pretty much nonexistent in our lives. No idea why.

    When my grandfather died, he blamed my grandmother. For some reason, my uncle was my aunt’s favorite sibling and either she sided with him because of that or because she blamed my grandfather too. I still don’t know. The funeral was the last time I saw or even spoke to my uncle. I’m not kidding. Not a single word. My brother saw him at a store once and he rushed out of the door. He also saw him out at a bar and he said two words to him and walked away. He is not family. I’m indifferent to him.

    My aunt on the other hand, we have history. It still hurts now and then when I think about how she picked her husband over us when she thought of us as her own children. We’ve spoken, she tries to call every year on or around our birthdays and we go out to lunch but it feels forced and it’s not the same. I feel like it’s weird for her that I’m an adult, maybe because she missed it all. We make small talk but I’m not going to talk to her about the state of my relationship with Andrew. The last time I really saw her as family was the Christmas after Andrew and I got together (when I was 16). She did the whole “if you hurt her, I’ll kill you” thing. And it seemed mean since she wasn’t all that involed in my life at that point nor did she even know Andrew. It wasn’t that it didn’t seem sincere, just that it sounded more like a threat. She didn’t know Andrew, my mom did and she loved him and trusted him.

    This was long but my point is this, Patrick and I had not only our fathers abandon us, but our aunt and uncle as well. It sucks, my family was so close when I was little and things just got worse and worse.

    That brings me to today. Zack and Breya are 14 and almost 11. They don’t know my aunt and uncle. My mom said she had a talk with Breya and mentioned Christina being aunt’s husband’s daughter. She thought Christina was “always in our lives”. My mom explained that she was always in (Breya’s) life but we met because she is his daughter. She doesn’t know them. Christina is my best friend and even though we don’t spend nearly as much time with her as I’d like, she’s been around the kids. They know her.

    Patrick lives with me. He moved in with Andrew and I when we moved out. My brother rents a room from us and works a lot but not nearly as much as he acts like. Zack and Breya come to my house nearly every other weekend. Not always. I’m not going to lie but they come pretty often. I see them at the very least, once a month, and Zack and talk fairly frequently. I wish Breya would master texting or realize she can text me. I love them to pieces. On the weekends that they are here, Patrick works. You might think that’s not his fault and I would normally agree with you however their father, Bobby, gets them on the off weekends. I’m flexible, he is not. So we’ve switch weekends on occasions. And my brother always moves his weekends to work to coincide with their weekends with me. They see him for 30 seconds as he grabs his keys and walks out of the door. Zack looked up to Patrick before we moved. Now, he looks up to Andrew, his brother in law, because that’s who he knows. My brother has promised to take him fishing, to take him to the firehouse, to hang out with him and he has let him down every time. They same things my uncle did to Patrick. The difference between Zack and Patrick is that Patrick was a much more emotional child than Zack is. Every time Patrick got stood up, he bawled. He was heart broken but he. always. fell. for. it. That is not a slight at him. He was surrounded by women and was much more emotional and open about his feelings. Zack, on the other hand, is much more macho than Patrick was. It hurt him at first but he’s learned to not fall for it and if it hurts him, he tries to not let it show. I know he’s heartbroken. Patrick and I were when our own family abandoned us. This is Zack’s big brother. His role model. Zack is now closer to Andrew than he is to Patrick. As wonderful as that is, it sucks. His brother should be there for him. What kind of person has that done to him and turns around and does it to someone else. Someone you supposedly love. He’s so caught up in his own life that he forgets or doesn’t care that he is breaking his brother’s heart.

    I want to say that growing up, neither of us had a father. I’ve gotten shit for this before but I’m going to say it again. I was raised without a father, therefore I didn’t feel like I missed out on anything by not having one. I’m a girl, I needed my mother. I had my mother and my aunt, in the beginning. Yeah, I was a bit jealous of my friends who had their dad in their lives but I don’t feel like I missed anything serious. My mom was everything I needed and I think I’m a fairly normal person. My brother, on the other hand, struggled a lot by not having his father around and he latched on to every male figure in his life. My grandfather who couldn’t leave his bed, my uncle who didn’t care for his feelings at all, my aunt’s husband who wasn’t the nicest to him. It felt like everyone except my step dad, Bobby, who does not get as much credit in our upbringing as he deserves. My mom did a shit ton for us, but Bobby came into our lives when I was 8 and has been there for us and loved us like his own. He left the parenting (of us) to my mother but he was there if we needed him.

    Zack and Breya and I are very close. I’ve spent a lot of time with them. I wasn’t the best sibling always because for the early years, I felt forced to raise kids that weren’t mine. But I’ve done homework with them, I’ve gotten them up in the mornings, I took care of boo boos, I’ve yelled and disciplined them. I wasn’t a #1 parent by any means but I love them as if they were my own. Now that they are older and I’m not so much of a hard ass on them because I don’t have to be, they are cool kids. They are little adults, smartasses but so am I. I am their big sister and not for ONE FUCKING SECOND can I imagine just cutting them out of my life. It’s only going to get better from here. Breya is excited to be an aunt to my children and Zack probably doesn’t care either way but would make an awesome uncle. I expect that they’ll only come around more often.

    My mom had tried to talk to Patrick about breaking Zack’s heart. Hell, she’s tried to talk to him about the way he cuts us all out of his life but to no avail. He is so wrapped up in his own shit that he doesn’t care. I don’t get it but I feel for Zack and Breya. My fear is that one day, Andrew and I are going to buy a house. We want to do this on our own and therefore, Patrick won’t be coming. If he doesn’t live with us, we may never see him. He’s going to go the way of my aunt and uncle and I don’t know why. It’s like we had very separate upbringings. Like he didn’t experience the same things. It hurts me to think about Zack and Breya not knowing him like they know me. It feels surreal because he is their brother, not a cousin twice removed or something. I couldn’t imagine cutting them out of my life but he seems to have no problem doing it. I wish he’d figure it out and realize this is going to damage any sort of relationship he may want when they are older. He’s my brother and as much of an asshole as he is, HE’S MY BROTHER. He will still be invited to holidays and such and I’ll still call him but it’s up to him whether he shows up or returns our calls.

    If my Animals Were People: Cat Edition

    Posted on: September 25th, 2014 by Randi No Comments

    All of my animals are very different. Each one has their own personality. A lot of people act like I’m crazy when I say this but I’m close to them and I can pick up on these things. I notice the slightest change in their personalities and worry about them. I know, easily, when something is not right. Hell, I can tell you which cat is meowing and if they are playing or hurt, from 2 rooms away just like a mother can with her kids. They are beings, just as we are. Just because we don’t know what they are thinking doesn’t mean they don’t think.

    My mom and I talk about these things all the time. Phantom is another one of her kids and as she fills me on what Breya is doing in school or what Zack is playing these days, Phantom is mentioned too. More so than Lily or Jackson. She knows, just like I do, that Phantom is more than a cat. I always tell her about what my cats did that day or what trouble they got into.

    So, I want to paint a picture of what I think my animals would be like if they were people. I figure this will help people understand what I’m talking about and know that I’m not crazy and anybody who loves their animals will tell you the same thing. This is going to be sort of long but I do have 5 of them. These are based off of their mannerisms which I will explain first.

    I encourage any pet owner to do the same. I want to read about your furbabies.

    I’ll start with my oldest, although he doesn’t live with me. (more…)

    The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

    Posted on: August 7th, 2014 by Randi No Comments

    I may have mentioned that my brother was moving out. The last day he was here, he gave me money that he owed me for watching Mya, and he felt bad that he gave us such short notice that he tossed Andrew some money for partial rent.

    The good:

    My brother really only took his TV and clothes.  He left his furniture, bed, dresser, night stand, and even a large dog crate. This is great because now we have an extra room, mainly for the kids. While we have a 3 bedroom apartment, the middle room is a railroad room which means it has no door and you have to walk through it to get to the bathroom or the back room (my brother’s room). So, we turned that into the cat’s room. We had all intentions of getting a LARGE cat tower for them but things happen and it hasn’t happened yet. However, they aren’t without as it has our spare recliners (that moved up there when we got a sectional), a spare bed from my mom’s house (and before that the spare bunk beds), a dresser, and a window. So, they are pleased with that set up. We had intended on letting one of the kids stay up there on our weekend with them but there is no TV so that didn’t work out.

    Regardless, now we have a room for them, and extra closet for us, and access to our tiny attic space. Not to mention, our electric bill will go down drastically since every time I walked by my brother’s room, there was something on despite him pulling a 24hour shift.

    The bad:

    I’m sad to see him go. I mean, of course it was bound to happen, but just like it was hard to move away from my mom, this is just as hard. My brother and I have lived together since he was born. Although he’s pulled away from the family quite a bit over the last few years, namely whenever he has a girlfriend (suddenly it becomes all about her family) it was nice having him around. I fear not seeing him now except on family gatherings. We are hoping that isn’t the case but my mom has decided to try and thwart that by making mandatory Sunday dinners for all of us.

    We don’t see our Aunt and Uncle. I honestly, couldn’t tell you what my Uncle is up to since the last time I saw him was Bampa’s funeral. Things went south with my family after his death and we all had a falling out but we didn’t see our Uncle that much before that anyway. I fear that this might happen with my brother. His attitude as of late makes it seem like he’s so much better than us, the same way our Aunt and Uncle are. I’m afraid he’s not going to make an attempt to see us unless he has to. As it is now, he only calls my mother when he needs something.

    This means, it’s now just Andrew and I. Which is what I’ve wanted for a while but it still makes me sad to think about how old I’ve gotten, I’m on my own now, I’m losing the last bit of my childhood. It had to happen eventually but I didn’t think it would be scary.

    The ugly:

    I don’t go in my brother’s room. Despite growing up together, we are completely different people. My brother is all redneck, it’s all about hunting, fishing, guns, etc. I’m afraid of guns. He had quite a few, most of them inherited from my grandfather. I have irrational fears about guns. I don’t touch them or even like being in the same room as them. Loaded, safety on, etc, it will find someway to shoot me. So, I never went in there.

    I made sure he had removed them all with the stuff he was taking on the last day he was here. I needed to get in there and get it rearranged for the kids to sleep in there. As soon as I walked in, I honestly didn’t feel like I should be in there. His TV was gone but everything else was there, coats, boots, decorations, shell casings, air conditioner. It didn’t feel like he moved out. I had told him he didn’t have to worry about cleaning it because what I had seen of it, it wasn’t bad. I figured a quick sweep and I could move everything where I wanted.

    Oh how wrong I was. Once I did my initial sweep, I started moving things. Oh dear lord. There was garbage stacked behind his dresser, next to it, in his closet, behind his night stand, under his bed. Soda bottles, condom wrappers, papers, moldy dishes. I rearranged and swept everything into a pile and I walked out. It was late and I didn’t feel like dealing with that right then.

    I still have to go up there and finish it and I’m not looking forward to it. Once I do, though, I can get my organization underway and get the house in order.

    A Little Scare

    Posted on: July 2nd, 2014 by Randi No Comments

    We had a scare with Hannah yesterday and rushed her to the vet. She was vomiting and couldn’t even keep water down, had bloody diarrhea, and was very lethargic. However, it didn’t happen in that order. By the time, the bloody diarrhea started, it went quickly from, “okay, we have to watch her” to calling my mom in tears to take me to the vet.

    I didn’t know what was wrong but I immediately assumed it was the heat. I tossed her in the sink to cool her down and she started to perk up but the bloody diarrhea scared me and we drove to Carbondale. Carbondale is out of the way by like 30 minutes but they have a great animal clinic. It wouldn’t be feasible in an emergency but we weren’t at that point yet.

    They immediately thought parvo since Hannah only got her initial vaccinations and Mya was a new addition. Apparently, she had the symptoms. Thankfully, that came back negative. So, they think it was the heat, too.

    She did, however, get her booster for her distemperment and her rabies so now we can take her to the groomer to get her fur cut for the summer. They say you aren’t supposed to cut the hair of long haired dogs but my vet said it was a good idea. I did it last year so she hasn’t had to deal with hot temperatures with her long hair.

    Despite being tired all day yesterday, Hannah weaseled herself up to our pillows last night (in our air conditioned room) and slept well. This morning I leaned over to ask her how she was and she licked all over my face. She’s now up and running around with her daddy and sissy.

    She’s still getting special treatment, though, since she was given medication. She got a tasty treat (concoction) of tuna (and ALL THE MEDS!) while all the animals (even the cats) looked on.

    My mom knows how important my animals are to me. Every single one is my child. I called my mom in tears (trying to hold them back because the situation wasn’t as bad as I was making it seem) and she flew from our farther Walmart and was here in less than 6 minutes. Thank god for my mother because I was losing it.

    photo (2)

    Hannah being pillow puppy, this morning.

    Our Nightly Routine

    Posted on: August 3rd, 2013 by Randi 1 Comment

    Apparently, Reese and I have a nightly routine. Every night I go up the bathroom. She follows me, so I just let her in. I didn’t think much of it. She sits in the tub, myself on the toilet since it’s too late to go outside and I have a cigarette. I turn on the bathtub faucet so that she can drink from it because she attempts to anyway. She gets sick of it and I turn it off. Then she rolls around in the tub while I rub her belly. Our bathroom is very small.

    Earlier, she wasn’t around when I went to the bathroom. At least I thought she wasn’t. It wasn’t bed time so I didn’t think much of it. Then I hear her meow. Then she sticks her paw under the door. Then she attempts to get her face under the door. All the while, she is meowing at me loudly. As soon as I was done, I opened the door and she came running in and jumped into the tub while meowing at me. So, I turned on the faucet and waited while she drank. Because I wasn’t sitting she was very uneasy and got bored very quickly.

    So, I made sure to end the night with our bathroom routine. She is currently sitting on the floor staring at me.

    Clearly, this is very weird. However, you don’t know Reese very well. She is such a skittish cat that she has to be in the right mood, place, time of day, etc in order for you to pet her. I love her very much and I accept the way she is. I wish she could be more loving and jump into my lap like Phantom does but she is who she is. So, instead, I do what I have to to spend time with her. Even if that means sitting in the bathroom with her for an extra 10 minutes to give her all the love that she wants.

    I’m a crazy cat lady..

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    Lack of Resources

    Posted on: May 19th, 2013 by Randi No Comments

    Andrew hasn’t touched his arcade cabinet yet. Mainly because he doesn’t have the money to buy the type of hardware, like fasteners at reidsupply.com, to start it. Hopefully, soon he’ll find enough time and money to put into it. I don’t really mind that it’s taking up room in the closet. I know he WANTS to work on it but the lack of funds is preventing him.

    He has plenty of plans for it. He’d like me to make him a collage of video game characters to order a vinyl to cover the sides and to possibly decorate the marquee at the top. Since he doesn’t have a name for it, I haven’t started on any of it. However, he ordered t-molding samples to line the sides of it. He’s very hopeful but not having the money to do it, puts him in a mood. So, he doesn’t look at it a lot any more.

    Maybe one day, he’ll have the resources for it but in the meantime, I have no issues with it being stored in the closet, even though it’s blocking my clothes.

I’m Randi, short for RandiLynn. I am a 25 year old blogger, web developer, furmama, and gamer from Northeast PA. I live with my husband and 7 animals. I live, eat, and sleep HTML & CSS. I spend my time creating pretty web stuff, blogging, gaming or binge-watching TV shows.


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